


Homebodies

by OpenHeart_WickedMind



Category: SPN, Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Living Together, M/M, Supernatural RPF - Freeform, Vacation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-10
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-20 22:18:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14270715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OpenHeart_WickedMind/pseuds/OpenHeart_WickedMind
Summary: Supernatural stars Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles play brothers Sam and Dean Winchester on screen but they are just as close as brothers even when the cameras are off. After he is kicked out of his current living situation it only seemed natural for Jensen to end up on Jared’s doorstep.What neither man expected was the transition of their feelings for one another from friendship into something far more complicated. Will these feelings end up tearing them apart or bring them much closer than they ever imagined?Disclaimer: I put reality and fiction in a blender and this popped out - reality has been skewed to fit this authors devious wishes. Additionally, I have nothing but love for Gen and Danneel, I hope that still comes across in this story.





	Homebodies

**Asshole**

Jared shook his head in disbelief as he shifted the hamburger patties on the grill with the spatula in his hand. “I can’t believe he just kicked you out.”

Jensen turns one of the chairs of the patio to face Jared before he takes seat. “Hm, tell me about it. I mean, I get it. He wants his girlfriend to move in. Fine, but…”

           “He could’ve given you a little notice.” Jared finishes the other man’s sentence, not hiding the frustration in his voice. 

           After three years of playing brothers on TV show Supernatural the idea of “personal space” between the two men had eroded into a place of familiarity the actors reserved only for a precious few. That was the reason Jensen felt comfortable showing up at Jared’s door at late at night after an 11 hour day on set. He was pretty fired up, and with good reason, his roommate just told him he had one week to find a place to live.

           It had been one of the days with a frantic enough pace to make Jared forget to eat enough. He’d planned on going to bed without eating but when Jensen showed up their stomachs started to growl in unison. At Jared’s suggestion they’d moved to the porch to grill up some food. He’d listened patiently while Jensen paced around the deck and recounted the entire scenario. Jared hoped that his co-star finally taking a seat was a sign he’d calmed down.

           Jensen gives a frustrated huff and opens his beer in reply to Jared’s comment about advance notice. His posture finally relaxes, legs stretched out and neck craned up gazing at the sky. It wasn’t out of the ordinary to see Jensen lost in thought but it was unnerving to see someone who is typically easygoing wound up so tight. As soon as Jared heard what was up he had pulled Jensen into a reassuring hug, hoping some support would help remove the anxiety etched on Jensen’s face. Over the years Jared and Jensen had become close enough they considered each other brothers and never hesitated when the other had needed them. 

When Jared told Jensen Sandy had left, his friend’s strong arms wrapped around him and squeezed him breathless. It had taken a lot of the edge off the heartache knowing that Jensen was there for him.  He hoped he could do the same now. 

It takes two strides for Jared to ascend the steps to the porch and drop down in the empty chair next to Jensen. He removes his beer from the glass tabletop and takes a long pull from the bottle. Sitting here drinking beers with Jensen reminds him of the day he moved in. He’d been so excited; ready to marry Sandy and start their lives together in his new home. Then she’d left and he was stuck in a house with too many rooms.  _ Empty _ , it was just empty inside. Even his rambunctious dogs Haley and Sadie’s constant upbeat attitudes couldn’t fill the vastness of the house.

Jensen being kicked out like this was awful, but Jared saw it as a blessing. He’d wanted to ask Jensen to live with him for a while now but he didn’t exactly know how. They saw each other every day for ten plus hours at a time. He wasn’t sure if Jensen would go for seeing him 24/7. As unsettling as the societal heterosexual norm said he should be with two men spending that much time together, Jared was totally fine with it. More than fine, he was actually excited about the idea. The perfect scenario had dropped in his lap. Now he just had to find a tactful way to ask.

           Jared looks at Jensen out of the corner of his eye while taking another mouthful of beer. A silence hangs over them for a moment while he mulls over exactly what to say. His hands feel slick from the condensation on the bottle and his brain taunts him with images of fifth grade dances and sweaty palms while he’s trying to ask a girl to dance. He almost laughs out loud at his mind bringing up that awkward moment in contrast with this one.  _ Well, time to do-se-do partner. _

           Jared clinks his bottle on the side of the chair to get Jensen’s attention since the other man was busy with the demanding task of rubbing Sadie’s belly. Their eyes meet and he feels himself falter for a second. His gaze drops to the label on the bottle in his hands and he starts to pull at the paper with his thumb and index finger. “So, what are you going to do now?”

“Dunno. Move in with some asshole I guess.” Jensen shifts in the chair and sits properly, Sadie flopping down at his feet with a whine of protest. He holds his beer in one hand perched on his thigh while the other does two quick rubs through his short brown hair. The hair rub is one of Jensen’s signature tells, the man is frustrated. It almost makes Jared feel guilty at the mirth bubbling through his system, threatening to turn up the corners of his mouth. This house was too damn big for one person and he couldn’t think of anyone else he’d rather share it with.

           “You could move in with this asshole.”

           Jensen was about to take a drink when Jared replied. Instead he pauses and smiles wide, the bottle resting on his bottom lip. The smile slides up to Jensen’s eyes and Jared sees his entire posture relax. He knows it’s a done deal before Jensen says another word.

           “Move in? With  _ you _ ?” Jensen’s smiling so hard he can barely pull a sip from the bottle at his lips.

           Jared leans in, playfully punching Jensen on the shoulder. “Shut up, you’d love it...”

           Jensen laughs. “I don’t think you can handle this asshole 24/7.”

           “Yeah well I’ll have an entire floor between you and your asshol-er-y.” Jared stumbles over the syllables of the last part, fifty percent sure he just invented a new word.

           That has Jensen shaking with laughter and it’s a few moments before he can compose himself enough to look at Jared. “Ok. Ok. You and me. Together. Assholes.”

           “How many more times are you going to say that?”

           “This asshole would love a burger.”

           Jared gets up to check the grill and shoots a look at Jensen over his shoulder. “Jerk.”

Jensen tips his bottle in Jared’s direction. “Bitch.”

**Worth A Thousand Words**

The day Jensen moved in Sadie and Haley attempted to show their enthusiasm for their new housemate in the only way dogs knew how, by getting under everyone’s feet. The dogs swirled in figure eights around Jensen and Jared as they carried boxes in from the U-Haul. They dodged the dogs twice before Jensen stuck his head out to the door, “hun, be careful when you come in the dogs are in full swing today.” Danneel had flown up from her home in LA to help move Jensen in and Jared was thankful for the extra hands. 

“Aw they’re just excited uncle Jensen is coming to stay.” Jared said setting a box down and briefly scratching Sadie’s head. He looked at the stack of boxes in the hallway and he knew that there were still a few more in the truck. “Jen why do you have so much damn stuff?” 

“Oh Mr. walk-in-closet is complaining about a few boxes. Most of which aren’t clothes.” Jared walks past Jensen. 

“Uh, well this is  _ my house _ . You are just a squatter.” Jared comments once they get back out on the porch to grab more boxes. 

“Hey.”

Jared looks past the box in his arms to see Jensen lifting another unmarked box with a small grunt of effort. He turned to Jared and gave him this half-smile. “Thank you for letting me crash here.”

“No problem. You know you’re always welcome here and you can stay as long as you want.” Jared shifted the box in his arms to open the door and steps back to let Jensen pass. He checks over his shoulder to see Danneel grabbing a duffle bag out of the back of the small U Haul.  

She waved towards the house and called out to him. “Go on in, don’t let the dogs out. I’ll be inside in just a sec.”

Jared nodded and slipped inside the house, letting the door shut behind him. Not three steps into the entryway, Jared feels Sadie barrel through his legs and his world turns sideways. The box in his arms smashes against the wall as he falls to the floor. The side of the cardboard box splits open from the impact, spewing Jensen’s clothes across the entryway. Jared is cursing as the dogs immediately bury themselves in the pile of clothes taking in the new scent.

           “You ok over there?” Jensen is leaning against the wall, laughing too hard to get the sentence out clearly. Jared sees Jensen look past him and then his co-star just falls to pieces. Jensen slides down the wall, the box in his arms resting in his lap as tears of laughter run down his face. Jared really doesn’t get what’s so funny about the mess.

           “Ya’ll drawers is all over my floor.” Jared’s accent slides out as he’s slightly frustrated, thinking that Jensen’s laughing at him. That is until he looks up to see Haley spinning in circles trying to get a pair of Jensen’s boxers off her head. Jared throws his head back to laugh and it hits the wall with a loud thud. Jensen really loses it then, putting his face down on the box in his lap as his shoulders heave with the force of his laughter.  

           Danneel’s head pokes through the open front door, “okay what’s going on in here. oh, oh my god. Hold it.” She snaps a photo with her phone before either of the boys have a chance to look at her. Once they get the messed cleaned up Danneel promises to mail them a printout of the photo.

A week later an envelope arrives addressed to Jensen, which he proudly boasts is his first official letter at his new home. He opens it and the boys start cracking up again, looking at the photo. “You know when fans ask us about me moving in this is the story we will have to tell them.”Jensen says with a laugh. “That your dog tried on my boxers.”

Jared stands close enough to Jensen so that their arms touch as he looks down at the photo. “Hm, not that story.” He says, taking the picture from Jensen and securing it to the fridge with a magnet. “This one is just for us.”

Jensen focuses on the image. It’s the best candid of him and Jared he’s ever seen. They are both completely absorbed in the moment, looking at each other with genuine happiness lighting up their faces. As Jensen looks at the picture he feels a contentment settle over him he’s never felt before. It feels like he finally has a place he can call home. 

**These Dreams**

_            The best thing about living with Jensen is that he’s always there. _

           That’s what Jared wants to say when he gets a question about him and Jensen living together. But it just feels too personal to share with the convention crowd. Instead, the boys joke about who takes longer getting ready. While they’re getting off stage he spots Danneel waiting to the side, giving thumbs up to him and Jensen.

           She and Jensen escape for some quality time and Jared takes advantage the free time to go back to his room for a much needed nap. When he dreams, it’s about Sam and Dean. He’s immersed in the Winchester’s lives for months at a time so dreaming about teaming up with Dean is pretty normal. When the dream clears through the fog in his subconscious he and Dean are standing in the thick Canadian wilderness, guns drawn, about to hunt down the creature of the week. The lighting in the scene brightens and their serious faces fade to smiles. The trunks of the large trees around them shrink and merge to form the siding of Jared’s house. Dean is Jensen again and they’re standing on the deck laughing about something. Jensen smiles and moves towards Jared, biting his lip. He gives Jared a look of mischievous determination. Jared feels his face flush and he leans back against the railing, his hands anchored to the wood on either side of him, leaving him exposed to whatever Jensen has planned. They're toe to toe and smiling like idiots when Jensen reaches out for Jared. 

           A shadowy figure appears out of mid-air and grabs Jensen’s arm, pulling him away. The shadow gains more clarity the further away it gets . It takes a moment for Jared to recognize the long brown hair and slender figure of Danneel retreating towards a dark forest, dragging Jensen along with her. Jared calls out to Jensen, rushing towards the stairs. A fence springs out of the wood at his feet, trapping him on the deck. It starts to thunder as the two men call out for each other across the distance growing between them. Jared falls forward into consciousness. He sits up in bed, drenched in sweat and breathing heavy. The thunder continues and Jared wonders if he's still dreaming.

           “Jared?” Cliff’s voice calls through the door. “Picture time buddy.”

He sits up, the remnants of the dream still clinging to his brain. "Uh, yeah. I'll be right there."

Cliff says something he can't quite make out and then the silence of the room surrounds him again. He should be scrambling to get ready, instead he leans back against the bed. He had a crazy feeling about the dream and he needed to let what he could remember about it play over in his head so he could figure it out. The scene on the deck replays and he doesn't get a chance to remember Danneel because he's stuck on Jensen reaching out to touch his cheek. 

Jared touches his face and his head tilts slightly as he makes a sound of recognition at the moment. Jensen was going to kiss him. "Huh." Well, that was different. His brain must be pretty fried for him to be daydreaming about mushing faces together with his best friend. It wasn't like he actually wanted to. He pushed out a laugh as he got up from the bed and went to the mirror to make sure he didn't have any permanent creases in his face from the bedspread. Actually, it was pretty funny. Jensen would probably crack up when Jared told him. Which he was going to do as soon as he saw him. It was too funny not to. He would probably crack right up. They were both secure enough in their friendship they'd joked about that before. So this was no different. 

He put his hand on the doorknob and felt a whisper of unease ghost across the back of his neck. Jensen was pushing him up against the fence, his arms wrapped around Jared's neck kissing him like he was the last person on earth. Jared's head shot back into the present and he realized he was already in the hallway making his way to the elevator. He stopped mid step and shook his head, getting another laugh out of his throat. No way, that was totally ridiculous, hilarious even. He was sure there was probably cheesy music playing in the background of the dream, he just couldn't hear it. 

Cliff nodded to him as they met in the hall. "You look well rested. I guess some sleep did you good."

"I had the craziest dream. You wouldn't believe it." As soon as the words were out he regretted it. 

"What about?"

"Uh...I don't really remember it much now. But it was funny." Jared got into the elevator first, nervously scratching at a place on his hip. Maybe this was just something he should keep between him and Jensen. 

**#**

         The trip to the main floor of the convention is uneventful until some fans spot him and he is waylaid with autographs and photos. He breaks free of the crowd and walks through the back door of the photo room to be greeted with a cheerful “Dude, you’re late” from Jensen. As soon as he sees Jensen he thinks about the dream again and he opens his mouth to tell Jensen. Danneel appears beside him and puts her arm on his shoulder, stopping Jared in mid sentence. She finishes a conversation with Jensen, Jared catches bits and pieces of while her right hand fishes in the large Coach bag slung over her shoulder. 

           “Got ya something while I was out on the town.” She pulls a package of assorted penny candy from her purse.

           Jared plucks the package from her hand, tears it open and stuffs a handful of the sugary contents into his mouth. “Thanks D, you’re the best.”

           Danneel gives him a devilish grin. “I try.”

           “Ok - now why is  _ my _ girlfriend buying  _ you  _ candy?” Jensen joins them by the door and reaches for the bag. Jared stands on his tiptoes and holds the bag above his head.

           Danneel chuckles as she leans in to give Jensen a kiss on the cheek. “Play nice you two.” She wags her finger at the boys as she walks out the door. Jensen makes two half hearted attempts to grab the bag from Jared before he gives up. Jared should've laughed but his mind was occupied at the moment. 

          Seeing Danneel had reminded him of the moment in his dream Jensen walked towards him with, a not so innocent look in his eyes.  He shook his head to wipe the image from his mind. Maybe the whole Sandy thing had screwed with his head even more than he’d thought. He’d latched onto the first thing that showed him affection – even if it was just of the friendship variety. Danneel was Jensen’s girlfriend. She  _ should _ be taking him away. Besides it wasn’t like they were going to live together forever. The past few weeks had been awesome and exactly what he needed to help him work through this breakup. A sick twinge hit his gut at the thought of Jensen moving out.

           Jared feel’s Jensen’s hand on his arm and looks to his side to see Jensen standing there with a look of concern on his face. He moved closer to Jared and kept his voice low enough to give an illusion of privacy in this very public place. “You ok?”

“Yeah, you know just…” He didn’t have to finish, Jensen was already nodding in understanding.

           “It will get easier.”

           One of the coordinators approaches them to see if they are ready to start letting fans into the photo area. Jensen gives Jared a look that says it’s up to him. Goofy photos with fans are exactly what he needs right now. He stuffs more candy into his mouth to fill the hole the thought about Jensen moving out put in his gut. “Bring it on.”

#

           Hours later Jared leans against the wall of the elevator, chewing on the only piece of candy to survive the day. Jensen was next to him, listening to Cliff recount some shenanigans that had happened earlier. Jared figured Cliff must’ve gotten to the punch line because Jensen let out a laugh that reverberates through the small space.

           Jared couldn’t focus on the conversation. This afternoon had been filled with events that completely drained him mentally and emotionally. During the photo shoots several fans had asked him and Jensen to get pretty close which, honestly, wasn't a surprise. However the third time a fan asked them to hug it out Jensen's cologne had hit his nose and activated some deep seeded thing that must've been left over from the dream. Heat had pooled low in his belly and his pants suddenly felt one size too small. He'd pulled away, playing his action off as a joke. Thankfully, Jensen didn't notice and had played along. But it scrambled Jared’s head so bad he had to take a quick break "for water" screaming at himself to get it fucking together before he got back behind the camera. In the end, he didn't tell Jensen about the dream. It just hadn’t seemed so funny anymore.

Then, during the Q&A, a fan had congratulated him on his engagement to Sandy. He hadn’t really known how to respond, so he’d told the truth.  Keeping a smile on after that moment had depleted his energy to fumes. It took all his willpower not to fall asleep in the elevator. Inside he knew it was something bigger than exhaustion. Melancholy eroded at the corners of his heart and he couldn't really identify why. He'd gotten all his tears out about Sandy. He shouldn't still feel like this. The thing with Jensen was just a ridiculous moment he'd laugh about while writing his memoir someday....

A sharp object bit into his side and he turned to Jensen, rubbing at the sore spot on his ribs. “Friggin-A you’ve got some pointy elbows. Ouch.”

           “Come to dinner with Danneel and me. I’m buyin’.”

           “Naw, thanks. I think I’m just going to crash.”

           Cliff arched an eyebrow at Jensen and Jared saw him attempt to discreetly wave off any follow-up questions. The doors opened and Jared exited turning a sharp right towards his suite, anxious to get into the quiet of his room. A firm hand gripped shoulder when he was only a few steps away from the elevator. Jared turned his head and saw Jensen, he kept his hand on Jared’s shoulder. “We’re not leaving for another hour or so. You know where our room is… just incase you change your mind.”

           Jared shrugged, patting his belly. “I think I filled up on candy.”

           “Okay.” Jensen moved away, the cool air burning into the imprint of warmth Jensen’s hand had made on his shirt. Jensen gave Jared one last look before turning towards his room on the other side of the hallway.

           Jared walked one door down and slid his key in the lock. Normally he and Jensen had adjoining rooms. But this year Danneel was here and he figured Jensen could use a little privacy. He’d rather not wake up to the sound of Jensen’s bed-a-rockin’. He entered his room with that thought drilling a fresh hole in his brain. The door slammed behind Jared a little louder than he’d intended. 

He walked through the faux living room setup created by a small oval table and two chairs pushed into the far corner of the room by the tiny kitchenette. The migraine inducing pattern on the sheets of the king sized bed in the next room over called to him and he fell face first into the starched linens with a grunt. Jared took a deep breath and realized being face down on the mattress was restricting his oxygen supply.

           For a moment he debated on not breathing, wondering if it would be easier than dealing with the dull ache in his chest. Today had just been too much to handle, he couldn't even identify why he felt so sad. He felt his chest tighten while his lungs struggled to pull oxygen out of the musty sheets. Then he mentally slapped himself and turned his head to look at the lame excuse for artwork that hung behind the hotel bed. Jared’s eyes squeezed shut and he tried to do some deep breathing relaxation exercises he’d heard about on late night TV during one of his recent bouts of insomnia. He put his hands on his head and tried to push all the old feelings down to his toes.         

**#**

           Knocking woke Jared from his dreams again and he lay there, considering hanging a ‘knock and ye shall be knocked out’ sign on his door. 

           “Party police – open up!” 

His lips scraped against the comforter as he smiled, there was no denying who that was. Jared slid off the bed, straightened his wrinkled clothes, and walked to the door. He opened it to find himself at eye level with a Styrofoam takeout container.

            “I come bearing red meat and beer.”

           Jared leaned to the side so he could look past the container in his face to see Jensen grinning at him. Sleep still had his brain on standby and the delicious smell coming from the box practically had his eyes rolling into the back of his head with joy. He didn’t realize he hadn’t said anything until Jensen arched an eyebrow, slowly, the smirk on his face molded into a full-on grin. “We stand here any longer and people will talk.” 

Jared started to flush thinking about the dream but then he got mad at himself. They always talked like this. He wasn't going to let some stupid dream make him so paranoid he couldn’t even joke with his best friend.

           “Get in here.” Jared plucked the box from Jensen’s hands. He prayed the weight in the container was steak. He sniffed again and his nose found a hint of chives and butter. “If there’s mashed potatoes in here, I might just give them something to talk about.” 

Jensen laughed as he shut the hotel door behind him. They sat at the kitchenette table and Jared was happy it only wobbled somewhat when he put the container on it. He flipped the styrofoam lid open to reveal a bloody T-bone on top of a pile of mashed potatoes. He grabed the plastic silverware out of the take out bag and begin sawing his way through the beef. Jensen looked at him, the goofy smile still plastered on his face. The first bite was heaven and it drew a hum of approval from Jared’s lips.

           “Figured you’d sleep through dinner.”Jensen pulled a beer out of the paper bag he was carrying and put it on the table in front of Jared. He slid his keys over so Jared could use the bottle opener on his keychain.

           “Yeah I was beat.” Jared focused on the food container so Jensen couldn’t see the lie in his eyes as he quickly popped the top off the beer and took a swig.

           They sat in silence for a few moments while Jared chewed his food and Jensen’s eyes wandered around the hotel room while his fingers drummed countertop. Jared knew that look; Jensen was trying to sort through how to say something complicated. Well, he could take a number. Jared's mind was still half wondering about the dream, if it meant anything, and if he should tell Jensen. He was comfortable enough with his sexuality to admit when a guy was good looking, which Jensen definitely was. But It didn't mean that he wanted to embrace him like they were on the cover of a cheesy romance novel. 

          After a few bites, Jensen seemed to find the words. “Sooo…about earlier at the Q&A. I know it sucks. But I think you handled it well. I just wanted to make sure…”

           Oh, that was even higher on the list of things he didn't want to talk about.

           “It was like taking off a band aid.” Jared cut him off.

           Jensen gave him a look of concern. His mouth opened for a moment like he was going to say something but he thought better of it, opting to continue drum his hand on the table. Jensen looked around the room until he focused on the television balanced on a small table behind them. He gestured to it. “Game?”

            “Sure. There must be something on.” Jared continued to inhale his steak while Jensen went to the TV. Jensen surfed through a few channels until he found a college football game then he called Jared over to the small couch. 

           Jared picked up the takeout container and moved to sit beside him. They watched the game without any conversation, only occasional comments about the convention so far and the game on TV. Which was fine by Jared because he couldn't concentrate enough to make even remotely intelligent comment about the game anyways. He was stuck on a carnival ride swirling him between the dream and missing Sandy. After a few rounds he pushed the thoughts of Jensen to the back of his mind. He decided it wasn’t anything other than his dream twisting his brotherly love for Jensen and his current lonely state into things he definitely didn’t feel. Then all he could think about was his past with Sandy. He'd tried, he really had but...

           “I just feel like I failed.” Jared blurted out.

           Jensen picked up the remote and turned off the TV. He turned to look at Jared, his eyes held a look of determination that Jared only saw him bring out on set while he was in Dean-mode. “That’s crap and you know it. You treated her like gold. I saw it. If she couldn’t, that’s her problem – not yours. You’re a catch. Come on, you know it. Ah, what I’m saying is….just don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s gonna get better and till it does, I’m here. Well I mean I’ll be here after too but…you know…”

           “Yeah.” Jared let out a soft chuckle as he let his head fall back on the couch and focused his eyes on the ceiling. He was thankful for Jensen’s silence as he cycled through the thoughts in his head. One thing Jared had with Jensen that he didn’t have with anyone else, even Sandy, was this comfortable silence. When they were together entire conversations could be conveyed in a handful of looks and gestures. No one had ever been able to read him the way Jensen could. Maybe that was why he had these dreams about Jensen, the guy was practically his brother and best friend all rolled into one. He reminded himself of something he'd read somewhere that dreams had lots of symbols in them, that's probably all this was. The Sandy thing, well, Jensen was right about it and knowing that he had Jensen to lean on till he felt one hundred percent somehow made it all seem better. After a long while he sat up and gave Jensen his first real smile since this all started. “Thanks. For what you said and for bringing me steak.”

            “Yeah well I had to do something to try and cheer you up. It’s disturbing to see you pout. Like legs on a fish.”

           “Legs on a fish? What does that even mean?!”

           “Bite me. It’s late.” Jensen looked at his watch. “Speaking of which…”

           “You gotta get back to the Missus?” The question shouldn’t have stung as much as it did.

            “Yeah.”

           Jared walked him out, giving Jensen a pat on the shoulder and a promise to get him dinner sometime when they got home. Jensen pushed the door closed and turned to look at Jared with a smile. Suddenly they were back in the dream, Jensen moving forward with his arms out, Jared sure that his heart was going to beat right out of his chest. Then Jensen broke the illusion of the dream, laughing out "c'mer ya silly bastard" and pulling Jared into a hug. Jared picked Jensen up and squeezed hard enough to earn a noise of protest. 

"Stop! Come on." Jensen huffed into his ear. 

Jared put him down and stepped back. ”Thanks again."

Jensen stepping out of the way let him him open the door. Jared genuinely tried to freak out about what had just happened when Jesen had hugged him but his mind told him he was too tired to care and everything would be back to normal tomorrow. 

Later, He crawled into bed feeling a lot better than he had in the elevator. That night when he dreamt about Jensen, Danneel didn’t make an appearance. He couldn’t quite remember exactly what had happened in the dream when he woke, he only knew it was the best sleep he’d had in months.

**A Spoonful of Sugar**

Jared wishes he could curse whoever got him sick as he slides down to the bathroom floor. The chill of the tile feels like a small oasis in the circle of hell he’s currently descended into. A knock on the door draws Jared out of his thoughts. He hears the door creak open and musters up the strength to open one eye.

           “Just checkin’ on ya.” Jensen’s face peering down at him.

           “Feel like I’m dyin’.” The words dance together with a thick Texas drawl because he is too damn exhausted to care about pronunciation. “Mouth tastes like garbage.”

Jensen opens the door and steps into the master bathroom. He goes to the cabinet above the sink and takes out a small bottle of mouth wash. Jared closes his eyes again. He hears Jensen put the bottle within reach. “Swish that around when you feel up to it.”

           “Dud, shuldn’t come in here dud. Could catsh this.” Words start to slur together as sickness dumbs down the auditory part of Jared’s mind. The click of the bathroom door echoes through his brain as he drifts off to sleep.

**#**

When consciousness finally returns the first thing Jared notices is that the tile is the same temperature as the rest of him, freezing. He goes to sit up and then stops short, sitting up could too fast could have disastrous results so he goes through a mental bodily checklist before even opening his eyes. His stomach seems to be better than before and his fever is gone.  _ Okay Padalecki let’s get to bed. _

           One small movement at a time, Jared finally sits up. He feels fabric scratching along his arm and he looks to see two large beach towels sliding off his shoulders to the floor.  _ When the hell did I do that?  _ He slides his right foot forward and nearly kicks over the bottle of mouthwash Jensen set down for him earlier. The sight of the mouthwash forces his mind to focus on the taste in his mouth and he grimaces. He opens the bottle and empties some into his mouth, swishing it around before spitting it into the toilet.

He notices a small plate and a cup by the sink. Standing on shaky legs, he goes over to investigate. Saltines and ginger ale, same thing his mom use to give him as a kid.  _ Jensen must’ve done this. _ A smile spread across his face in spite of how awful he felt and warmth filled his cheeks. Jensen had expressed reservations after their first conversation about him moving in. He was worried he would impose and Jared would get sick of him.  _ As if that could ever happen. _ He did stuff like this all the time. He was thoughtful and amazing and… the room tilted drastically to the left and Jared gripped the sink. He splashed some water on his face as his mind continued to focus on Jensen.  

The past few months had been perfect. They're chemistry on set was better than it had ever been. After work they'd work out together sometime or grab a beer somewhere. Most nights though, they'd just hang around the house doing whatever. It was great. It was better than great… it was like everything Jared ever wanted.

           His gut did a somersault and Jared squeezed his eyes shut until the wave of nausea passed.  _ Okay no time for thinking right now. _ Jared trudged out of the bathroom and flopped into bed. A moan escaped his lips as his body was enveloped by the covers. It was so much better than the bathroom floor. Thinking of the bathroom floor brought his mind to the makeshift blanket Jensen had put on him. He needed to remember to thank Jensen when he woke up tomorrow, if he could make it downstairs.

**#**

The next morning a shaky but much improved Jared shuffled to the kitchen, already bursting with anxiety at running late.

           “Where’s the fire?”

Jared looked to his left to see Jensen finishing up his breakfast seated on barstool at the island in the middle of the kitchen. God, if Jensen was already up and ready to go he really was running late. “I’m late. You should’ve woken me up dude.”

“I already called and told them you were going to either A: be late or B: not come in because you were sick as a dog last night. Go back to bed; you look like death warmed over.”

Jensen’s words reminded Jared of the night before. He pulled a bottle of water from the fridge and drank half of it in one swallow. He’d never so thirsty in his entire life. He walked up to the island and leaned against the countertop.

           “Thanks for…Ya, know. Checking up on me.”

           “No prob.” Jensen said between mouthfuls of egg. “You’d done the same for me.”

           “I probably would have put on a nurse outfit just to spice things up a bit.”

           “Bringing your temperature up would have been counterproductive.” Jensen gave a flirty smirk and wiggled his eyebrows. He got up and placed his dirty dishes in the sink.

           The thought of Jensen in a nurse outfit flashed in Jared’s mind for a second, he almost choked on the water. As gorgeous as Jensen was, the naughty nurse nightie looked ridiculous on him. “I’ll probably be good to go in a little while.” Jared said, pushing the image out of his head and downing more water.

“Go easy on that water man. I don’t want to have to scrub puke out of the tile.” Jensen slapped him on the shoulder.

Jared did feel pretty queasy. “Good idea. I’m going to lie down. I’ll text when I’m ready to come down.”

           He noticed Jensen’s arm hadn’t moved from his shoulder. He turned his head to see his co-star looking at him with concern. “Don’t worry about coming down to set. You need to rest up. I’ll make sure to hold the dogs off for a day.”

           Jensen stood between Jared and kitchen island, inches away from Jared’s face. His hand felt like it was searing an imprint into Jared’s shoulder, just like it had that time in the hotel. Jared backed away and let Jensen slink past mumbling something he thought was “yeah, ok” but he couldn’t hear it over the sound of his heart pounding in his ears.

           Jared stumbled to the sofa in the living room. He felt dizzy, his heart was pounding, and he felt like his stomach was twisted into knots. The cool leather of the couch felt good against his skin and his eyes slammed shut from exhaustion. For a moment he’d got lost in Jensen’s eyes the way poets talk about, drinking in their depth and wishing he could drown in them. Just like the damn dream a few weeks ago. It hadn't come up again after that day but being close to Jensen brought it all back in very vivid detail. 

__ Maybe this was just how he responded to people's kindness now. God, he must be really sex starved if Jensen being nice to him made him swoon. It was nice though, he probably was an amazing boyfriend...to Danneel.

He laughed it off before sliding into a dreamless sleep. 

**Special Delivery**

          The beep of a car horn pulled Jensen's attention away from the email he was working on. He looked out of his bedroom window to see a delivery man waddling up to the front door with a large flower arrangement in his arms. Jensen raised one eyebrow.  _ You got the wrong house buddy _ , he thought turning back to his computer. He put it out of his mind for a second before his eyes saw the date on the clock on his desk. Something about the date rang in his mind as the chirpy sound of the doorbell echoed through the house. Jared’s feet thumped across the floor above his head and suddenly Jensen started pulling the mental puzzle together. It was Jared and Sandy’s anniversary.

            “Shit!” Jensen vaulted out of his computer chair and ran to the door. The big guy had told him he had something special planned for their first anniversary in their new home.  _ This must be it _ , Jensen thought as he scrambled out of his bedroom, nearly knocking over his guitar as he tripped over a pile of clothes. If he could make it to the door in time he may be able just to play it off like a mix up. His heart sunk as he rounded the corner to see Jared standing in front of the door, shoulders slumped. “No, no. They’re mine,” Jared’s voice was so quiet, a far cry from his typical boisterous tones.

           Jensen pushed passed Jared and shoved the flowers back into the delivery man’s hands. “Give em’ to your girlfriend man.” He snapped at the driver and instantly felt bad about it. He pulled a twenty out of his wallet and stuffed it into the guy’s uniform pocket.

           The delivery man looked unfazed, turning on his heel before shuffling back to his truck. Jensen shut the door before the man finished descending the steps. Guy probably saw this all the time, besides, it wasn’t the drivers’ feelings he was worried about. Jensen took a deep breath before turning to assess the situation. 

Jared leaned against the wall of the small entryway, hands in his pockets, eyes closed and head tilted back. Jensen mirrored his friend's posture, leaning on the door. He let the silence fill in the space between them for as long as Jared needed.

           A after several minutes a deep groan pierced the air as Jared put his face in his hands. “Every fucking month.”

           “Huh?”

           “I paid the florist to bring flowers every month over the first year we lived here.”

           “So call and cancel. Better yet have them delivered and we can burn them. Drink beers and fucking burn them.” Jensen knew he wasn’t making any sense; he was actually trying to be funny in a macabre sort of way. He just wanted to make sure Jared felt better. He could tell his best friend was going through hell at the moment. The flesh around Jareds’ eyes created starbursts pattern as he squeezed them shut. He'd only seen Jared cry a handful of times and he knew his friend was dangerously close. It broke Jensen's heart and he wanted to do anything to make that pain in Jared’s eyes go away.

_ No reaction to my shitty humor? Okay, Next tactic. _ Jensen cleared his throat and patted his stomach. “Man are you hungry? I’m starving. We should hit up that new barbecue joint downtown. I feel like I haven’t eaten outside the house of the house in months.”

            “Yeah…” Jared opened his eyes and looked at Jensen, the corner of his lips slightly upturned, threatening just the hint of a smile. 

Jensen smiled at him. “Beers and barbecue? What do ya say?”

           Jared ran a hand through his hair while he looked at his feet, his hand dropped and he looked up at Jensen, a smile finally on face. “Is that the place with the all you can eat steak challenge?”

           Jensen’s laugh echoed through the hallway, of course he’d remember that. “Why? Think you can take it?”

           Jared tried to puff out his flat stomach into a mock pot belly. “Me versus red meat? No contest.”

            “Ok, let me just grab my keys…” Jensen almost tripped over the duffle bag he’d stashed in the corner of the hallway. Then he cursed himself for being so careless. He had a flight to catch in a few hours. He’d promised Danneel he’d fly in to LA this weekend to spend time with her. He turned and his heart sunk when he saw Jared’s eyes focused on the bag by the wall, the happiness from seconds before gone from his face.

           “Your flight. I totally forgot.”

           The two men looked at each other. Jensen sighed. “I’m sorry man, I spaced it.”

           Jared walked past him, towards the stairs leading to his bedroom. “It’s not a big deal man. Go and enjoy your time in Cali. Give Danneel a hug from me.”

           “You should grab a ticket. I bet there’s seats left on the plane.” Jensen blurted out. Which was ridiculous, but he was just grabbing at straws now. Anything to keep from seeing Jared sad, it suddenly seemed to matter right now more than it ever had before. “You know you miss Cali. Don’t lie to me. I can see it.”

           Jared gave him a well rehearsed smile. “It’s cool. Go and enjoy your weekend. I’ve got stuff around the house I’ve been meaning to do and I might bug Cliff for a bit.”

           Jensen didn’t have the heart to remind him that Cliff was out of town for the weekend, something else he’d forgotten. He watched as Jared walked up the steps towards his room feeling sick to his stomach. He couldn’t leave him here like this but he couldn’t bail on Danneel. If he invited her here it would be like rubbing his relationship in Jared’s face. He imaged Jared phoning family and friends while he sat alone in the house all weekend. No way was he going to let that happen. He hadn’t seen Danneel in a long time but…this was more important.

           Heavy footsteps paced on the floor above Jensen’s head as he flipped open his phone and punched in Danneel's number. She wasn’t happy to hear about the change of plans. But, thankfully, she didn’t give him too much of a hard time because she understood. A bright yellow speck further down the entryway caught Jensen’s eye as he was hanging up his phone. He walked towards it and noticed it was a piece of paper. It must’ve been in the flowers. He turned it over and read the printed inscription on the back.

           “One month of happiness. Love Jared.”

           The paper crumpled in his fist and he shoved it into his pocket before heading for the stairs. He was still fighting to get the image of Jared’s frown out of his head. He hoped he could replace it with a smile at the mention of battling Canada’s largest steak and downing some beers.

#

         The front door crashes open, the noise reverberating through the darkened house. Jensen curses as he tries to close the door before the dogs run out into the night. Trying to get them back in would be a pain in the ass, besides, he already had one person to look after anyway. Jared threw an arm around Jensen as they entered the house, leaning his full weight on him, almost taking them both to the floor.

           “Thanks for taking me out tonight.”

           “Thanks for not ordering the gigantic steak.”

           “I could’ve handled it.”

           “Dude, I almost puked just looking at the size of the thing.”

           “Pussy.”

           The restaurant had been a tourist trap with tons of Canadian themed things everywhere but the food had been decent. Things were under control until they saw some of the Supernatural crew sitting at the bar. The crew bought them drinks so Jared insisted they stay and buy a round for them. All of the ‘round buying’ lead to the wobbly six foot something leaning into Jensen and throwing him off balance. Jensen lose his footing and they fall into the entryway wall with a thud. Jensen curses and tries to keep them from going to the ground. Suddenly, Jared seems to find his equilibrium standing upright and wrapping his arms around Jensen.  Jared pulls him in for a bear hug, lifting him off the ground.

           “You’re the best!”

           “Okay there Andre the Giant, let’s put me down so I can go to bed. I’m exhausted.”

           Jared puts Jensen down and gives him one last pat on the back before releasing him which does Jensen no good since his back is against the wall and Jared is crowding him in. Jared gives him a look that is somewhere between contemplation and elation then he’s leaning forward. Time slows as Jensen watches as Jared leans forward.  _ Is he going to..? _ Jensen’s mind stutters over the thought as he closes his eyes and wets his lips. Jensen feels the heat from Jared's face close to his and then a puff of warm air against his lips as Jared whispers a curse. Jensen feels Jared's head rest on his chest and he opens his eyes.  _ What the fuck?! What the fuck just happened?! Okay don't freak out. Jared is drunk you aren't exactly sober either. No need to overanalyze this. _

           “I really needed this. You gave up Cali for me. That means a lot.”

           Jensen tries to speak and realizes he’s been holding in his breath. Even after a deep inhale all he can get out is “Anytime.”

           Jared’s breath is making a hot circle on his shirt and he puts his hands on his friend’s shoulders to gently push them apart. Jensen scoots away from the wall and Jared’s grasp, heading towards the kitchen. Jared’s cologne hangs in his nose, reminding him of the closeness they’d just shared. He swatted the thought away as he grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.

           He retreated to his bedroom and shut the door behind him. He pulled the cap off the bottle and tried to let the gulps of water drown out the thoughts that had cropped up while they were in the hallway. The feeling that hooked him for a moment as Jared leaned forward tickling at the corner of his memory. 

           He saw his duffle bag shoved by his closet, unzipped and vomiting several items of clothing onto the carpet. Clothes he should be wearing this weekend in California with Danneel. Jensen pulled his Ipod off his nightstand and put it on. He let the music play while he drifted off to sleep. He needed to mute the thought that occurred to him while he watched Jared smile at him across the dinner table and echoed through his mind while Jared hugged him in the hallway. The realization that his friend had suddenly become more important than his girlfriend, more important than anyone really. The kind of important that makes you drop everything just to make them smile. The way you absolutely, positively, shouldn’t feel about your  _ male  _ best friend.

**A Wish Is the Song Your Heart Makes**

           Jensen watches with amusement as Jared mimics a drum solo on the faucet of the kitchen sink. Jeff and Megan must’ve seen Jared’s enthusiasm for music growing up but Jensen likes to think he’s the only one who knows Jared does _ this _ . Jensen’s known his co-star for almost three years now and he’s pretty sure Jared doesn’t sing in front of other people. Jared  _ jokes _ around other people, sings songs off key in jest, but he never really belts it out unless he’s alone.

           Jared has the radio on and he’s singing along at a volume that’s considerate of the fact that it’s well past midnight and Jensen sleeps just a few doors away from the kitchen. He really likes what he’s listening to, his foot tapping to the beat while his over enthusiastic scrubbing of yesterday’s dishes sloshes water onto the counter.

           “And maybe you should sleep, and maybe you just need a friend…” Jared sings as he rinses off a glass and puts it to dry in the small plastic bin beside the sink.

           Two days ago the dishwasher made a pitiful noise and suddenly stopped working. Jared joked they should salt and burn it. The sickly-sweet smell of stagnant dishwater greeted them when they returned home that evening. After a heated round of rock-paper-scissors Jared offered to do the dishes.

           Jensen had gone to bed but tossed and turned for an unknown amount of time before his eyes snapped open. His mind had been racing down a thousand different strands of thoughts at once. The night a few weeks ago when Jared had cornered him in the hallway being one of them. The next day things were business as usual but he kept catching himself looking... _ starring _ , his mind corrected him,  _ you were staring at Jared _ . He kept wondering if the almost kiss, was all in his mind. Yes, _ kiss _ , it took several beers and some long hours of introspection for him to even admit to himself that’s what he thought was going to happen when Jared leaned in that night. He wasn't sure what that said about his heterosexuality in either case. He was trying everything  _ not  _ to think of it but at night when there was nothing to distract his mind it was the only thing that occupied his thoughts.

          A sigh of defeat had escaped his lips and he’d tugged on flannel pajama pants before walking out into the hallway. Channel surfing had been his first idea but that was squashed as he heard the deep rhythm of Jared’s voice echo off the walls. He leaned against the door to his bedroom for a few minutes with his eyes closed, listening to Jared’s voice. The low rumble soothed his hectic mind and, for a moment, he contemplated going back to bed. A need to turn the words from muted notes into crisp lyrics turned his footsteps down the hall to the arched entryway to the kitchen.

           Now Jensen leaned against the wall enjoying Jared’s animated one man show. Oblivious to the fact he had an audience, Jared sang in earnest, his eyes half closed and his hands absently running a soapy sponge across a frying pan.

_            He actually has a pretty decent voice. _ Jensen remembers the first time he heard Jared’s genuine voice, a year ago when as they jammed on their guitars. After twenty minutes of Jared horsing around with the lyrics Jensen got frustrated. “Come on man, really  _ sing _ .” Finally, Jared let down his guard and sang a deep harmony that made Jensen’s hands pause over the strings. Hearing Jared sing for the first time had made Jensen feel like he’d taken a shot of whiskey, it gave him knot in his stomach and turned his brain sideways. The warmth roared to life in his chest again as he stood in the doorway watching Jared, the tendrils of heat curling up his extremities making his fingers twitch like they wanted to touch something…or  _ someone _ . 

           “You need to understand, there’s nothing fake about this. You need to let me in…”

           The all too poignant words made Jensen aware that he’d been standing in the doorway staring at Jared for several minutes now. A quick shake of his hands and the heat dissipated from his fingers, leaving a melancholy twinge behind in his stomach.

           “Not bad Padalecki.” A shaky laugh escaped Jensen’s throat.

           Jared’s song stopped and he started at the sudden noise. The glass Jared held in his hands slipped through soapy fingers and fell to the floor. Jared cursed, slapping the small radio on the counter, to turn it off.  Jensen ran around the small island separating him from Jared. His heart stopped when he noticed the shards of glass surrounding Jared’s bare feet.

           “Don’t move!” Jensen barked. He looked around for a second,  _ where they hell did they keep the… _

           “It’s in the cabinet by the fridge.” Jared responded in a tone somewhere between pissed off and amused.

           Jensen rushed to the cabinet and pulled it open, removing the dustpan and brush. “Shit, I’m sorry man.” Jensen started forward with the dustpan, careful of his own exposed feet. He hazarded a look up at the giant that towered over his crouching form. “You good?”

           A typical Jared smile hit him full force, full of sunshine and totally uncaring his feet almost became pincushions. “Dude, you scared the crap out of me.”

           “Ha, well that makes two of us.” Jensen muttered as he swept the shards into the dustpan, away from Jared’s feet.

           “Oh come on, my singing isn’t that bad.” Jared laughed and bent down, swiveling on his toes to help pick up the remaining pieces.

           “No, I thought you…”  _ were hurt _ . Jensen’s mind finished the sentence because his mouth suddenly became too dry for words the moment he realized he and Jared were at eye level. The flicker of emotion settled in Jensen’s stomach and he didn’t know how to deal with it so he just coughed and looked away. Jared looked at him with a question in his eyes. Jensen looked at the large piece of glass in his hand. “Never mind.”

           They stood and Jared surveyed the area around his feet. “Grab my sandals out of the hall, would ya?”

           Jensen nodded. He stopped to throw out the rest of the glass before heading into the hallway. As soon as he rounded the corner to the front door he let out a whoosh of air.  He picked up the boat-sized green flip-flops on the top of a small pile of shoes by the door. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears as he bent to pick up the sandals.  _ Was I really this upset about Jared cutting his foot? _ He shook his head, chastising himself. 

He went back into the kitchen and almost collided with Jared's naked chest. He stepped back, nearly tripping over the lip of wood separating the hallway from the kitchen tile. Jared didn't seem to noticed as he grabbed his flipflops. "Well I'm glad you're up cause I'm going to have to run the vacuum now."

"What's with the strip show?" Jensen heard his mouth say and he immediately wanted to die. 

Jared threw his head back and laughed. "That dishwater was extra funky and I got a big glob of it on me when you so rudely interrupted my performance."

Jensen felt like a crazy dad who wanted to shout at his daughter for wearing a bikini at the public pool. Jared had way too much skin showing. Even still he found himself following Jared up the stairs to his room and making boring conversation about the next day's work while he watched him throw the dirty shirt in his hamper. 

"You are finishing those dishes by the way," Jared said, flopping on his bed and grabbing the remote for the TV.

"Okay okay." Jensen held his hands up and turned to leave as he heard the TV turn on. This was Jared's usual bedtime routine, he would turn the TV on and fall asleep with whatever he was watching. 

__ "Hey, you wanna crash here for a bit? Fight Club is on." Jensen looked at Jared on the bed giving him that look he'd noticed on his friend's face since Sandy had left. The, I don't really want to be alone at the moment, look.

"Well I guess I'm not wearing a shirt too so I can join this party." He walked to the left side of the bed and sat down. 

Jared covered his nipples. "Oh no Jen don't look at me, I'm hideous!" He said it in a high pitched voice, pursing his lips into the most ridiculous duckface Jensen had ever seen. Jensen punched him in the arm. "Shut up."

They got absorbed into the movie and it wasn't until one fight scene where Brad was shirtless that his mind forgot the movie and focused on the heat that Jared's body was giving off since they were sitting so close. He had to figure this out, it wasn't like him and it sure as hell wouldn't be good for their friendship if he kept weirding things up. His eyes focused again on Brad's lean form energetically bouncing around around the screen, a little bloody and very sweaty. Okay, Brad was hot. This was something Jensen had said out loud to Danneel before. Actually, he was pretty sure he’d mentioned it to Jared as well. Maybe Brad would be a good way to segway into talking about the weird attraction he’d been feeling for Jared with out  _ really  _ talking about it.

"Woah Brad's looking pretty good there." Jensen said it in a light tone, adding in a whistle to let Jared know he was joking, sort of. 

"Totally. Brad is hot. I do not feel any shame in admitting that out loud at all. The guy is cut." 

"Why should you? I mean it's not a big deal for a guy to find another guy attractive...right?" Jensen's confidence faltered, this had seemed a little smoother in his mind. "Like...I mean you know..."

"No, I totally get what you mean. I mean this is the year 2000 after all, if a guy can't admire another guys totally chiseled physique what's the point?"

Jensen felt relief wash over him and he laughed. "And waiting to make out with them, totally normal."

"Oh I'd totally kiss Brad, with tongue." Jared mimed the most awful french kiss Jensen had ever seen at the TV. "Oh Brad, you need to introduce me to your trainer. My abs are looking a little flabby." He added in a seductive voice.

Jensen sat up and slapped Jared on the stomach, getting a 'umph' out of Jared. "Stop. I'm not going to stroke your ego just because Brad is making you question your sexuality. You look ripped and you know it."

Jared sat up doing the 'which way to the beach pose' "oh, really...hm... you think so?"

Jensen pushed him over. "Stop I'm trying to watch the movie." He focused back on the TV and felt exhaustion settle in as he leaned back on the pillows. 

"It is a good movie." Jared said settling back against the pillows next to him.

"One of my favorites." 

"I know."

Somewhere between “his name was Ronald Palmer” and Tyler's death Jensen fell asleep. Jared's alarm woke them in the morning, their limbs tangled together, they both looked at each other with wide eyes before laughing. "Personal space?" Jared laughed pulling himself away from Jensen. 

"Sorry." Jensen looked out the window to hide the flush on his cheeks. Jared's arm draped around his shoulders.

"I'm just fucking with you. Come on, let's grab breakfast. We have monsters to hunt."

Jensen didn't know what Jared's mattress was made out of but he was sure he'd slept better than he had in weeks. 

**Wish You Were Here**

 

The water lapping against the side of the boat rocked it just enough to bring Jensen to the brink of sleep. The warmth of the sunlight covered him like a blanket and Jensen sighed as he felt Danneel’s hands rub along his back in soothing circles. Belize had been good for him, he felt more relaxed than he had in a while. Today he and Danneel had decided to rent a boat and do a little fishing. After a few hours they laid down on the deck to take in the quiet hush of the water that was a calming difference from the constant aggressive noises of LA. Slender hands work the suntan lotion into his skin and Jensen allows his mind to drift. The peaks of the Andes appear in his minds eye and he is suddenly thinking of Argentina. He sees Jared decked out in hiking gear trekking up a path with a gorgeous view.  _ Could he even be hiking right now? What time is it there? _ Jensen hoped Jared was doing the same thing he was, resting…shirtless… Jensen sighed with contentment and Danneel’s touch evaporates.

           “Did you just call me Jared?” Danneel’s laughter fills his ears. “What  _ are  _ you guys doing when I’m not there?”

_ Jesus, did he?  _ Then Jensen’s subconscious slaps him in the face with the fact the last thought he had about Jared was the thought of him sprawled on a bed, shirtless.  He gets up with a start, knocking over the Caronia perched on the deck next to him. Danneel’s smirking at him, taking another sip out of the fruity drink in her hand.

           “Sorry.” Jensen shakes his head.  _ What the hell was I thinking? _ “I was…”

           “It’s cool babe.” She puts her hand on his, the tone in her voice indicating she’s still giving him shit. “Just keep it out of the bedroom, okay?”

           For a second he wonders if it had made it into the bedroom. Then he gets totally freaked out because he was just trying to figure out if he thought about his  _ best friend _ while he was having sex with his  _ girlfriend _ \- his  _ male _ best friend. Worst thing was the thought didn’t bother him. He was okay with it. The truth was that Jensen had been spending a lot of time in Jared's bed lately. After the Fight Club incident they'd been having 'movie night' at least once a week now. Falling asleep next to each other with the TV on and waking up in various tangled positions that they always laughed about in the morning. He'd told himself that they were like brothers and it really wasn't a big deal. His reaction to Danneel's hands right now made him second guess his motivation for wanting to fall asleep next to Jared.  Jensen’s breathing started to shallow as he put both his hands on the radiating heat of the deck and tried to ease the panic coursing through his veins. 

           “Hey, I was just joking.” Danneel’s smile faded and she looked at him with concern. Her hand found his and it scorched his clammy skin. “You ok?”

           “Yeah. I think I just lost my sea legs for a minute. I’m gonna hop in the water and cool off.” Two steps and Jensen’s falling into the water, trying to remember if it was even deep enough to dive. The water is too warm to shock the feeling in his gut away. He wishes for cold water and it triggers a memory of diving into that lake in Canada and Jared making some joke about shrinkage.  _ Stop thinking about him for two seconds! _ The first half of their trip floats through the blue in front of his eyes and the only thing he’s known for sure is that Jared hasn’t been far from his thoughts since he and the big goof hugged goodbye a week ago. A muffled voice cuts through the water and tries to calm the tempest brewing in Jensen’s mind.  _ You’re best friends, you spend all your time together. Be happy you have someone you can be this close with. It’s fine, you’re fine. _

           He’s suddenly aware of the burning in his chest as his body fights the urge to inhale the water around him. He stays under a few seconds longer, forcing the thoughts in his mind to die with the oxygen in his blood. By the time he finally surfaces Danneel is calling for him leaning over the side of the boat.

           “Jesus Christ Jensen, you scared the crap out of me!”

           “Sorry just cooling off.” She was angry and he gave her a laugh and a smile to ease the tension. He beckoned her to join him. “Come on.”

           Danneel’s shoulders relaxed as she quirked her head to the side. “You sure you’re okay?”

           “One hundred percent. Now get your butt in the water.”

           Danneel jumps over the side and hits the water in a perfect cannonball, showering Jensen with seawater. Her breast slipped free from the tiny top she was wearing when she surfaces. He gets half hard just looking at it so he swims over and kisses her slow and hard, writing off all the Jared stuff as a mild case of heatstroke.

#

           Jared can barely keep his attention on the hokey keepsakes in the tourist trap Megan pulled him into. The weather was perfect and he could hear fragments of hurried conversations in Spanish as people passed by the open window. The sound of church bells travel up the tiny alleyways reach his ears as a group of colorful street performers dance by. His eyes travel over the figurines until he finds a very drunk donkey, leaning against a cactus, holding a bottle of tequila. It reminded him of a silly tequila induced conversation he’d had with Jensen during the movie night where they'd chosen to watch Desperado.  The memory had him laughing so hard he barely had enough breath to call out, “Hey Jensen, check this out!”

           “Did you just call me Jensen? Again?” Megan is approaching him from the left, a sombrero in her hands. One of her eyebrows is arched almost to her hairline.

_ Oh crap. _ “Uh, I guess I did. Sorry…” he stumbled to recover, feeling heat in his cheeks. “Anyways look at this.”

           “So this is, um, the third or the fifth time? I’ve lost count.” Megan was smirking at him now. She poked at the figure with her finger, making the donkey’s head bobble a bit. She crossed her arms and put her back to the display, looking him in the eye.

           “Must be this heat.” Jared turns back to the shelf and almost replaces the figurine. Instead he holds onto it, for Jensen. Megan was right, the thought of Jensen kept popping up unexpectedly during this trip. In the form of fragmented memories, green eyes in the crowd, and his voice seeming to swim above the murmured talk in restaurants. He hadn’t thought much of it but since Megan brought it up, it must’ve been more obvious than he thought. His eyes found a round mirror with celestial symbols painted along the frame hanging in the middle of the shelf. So he thought about Jensen a bunch… they were practically attached at each other’s hip when they were together. The guy was his best friend and he missed him. 

           “This trip has been really amazing and I’m so happy you asked me to come with you.” Megan’s voice pulls him out of his thoughts. She is leaning against a shelf with her arms crossed and looking at him the same way she did when they were playing Clue as kids and she was hiding extra cards under the game board.

            “Why do I feel a  _ but _ coming on?”

           “But I think we both know you’d rather be here with someone else.”

           Jared sighs. “No. That’s not it at all, Meg. I’m really happy you’re here. I’ve just been…”

           “Distracted thinking about  _ someone _ ?”

"Okay, ya got me."

"What are you going to do when he moves out?" Megan fakes punching him in the stomach and Jared plays along. 

"Why would he do that?" He turned back to the shelves and started looking for something to give Jeff.

"Um, because he and Danneel have been together forever and they will probably move in together soon. Don't you think? I mean when you told me he got kicked out I was surprised that wasn't the first thing he'd thought of." Megan walked a few steps away to look at a row of food items, including hot sauce. She held up one called El Diablo that had a picture of a devil vomiting flames out of his mouth on the label, "For Jeff,  _ right _ ?"

"That makes my tongue hurt just looking at the bottle. So, yeah, I'd say that's perfect." Jared looked down at the figure in his hand and he realized his sister was probably right. Jensen and Danneel had been together for a while.  _ But... _ "It doesn't make sense for her to move up to Vancouver, besides, we have the perfect setup. I'm thinking of building a master bath onto his bedroom..."

Megan laughed. "Listen to you," she patted his shoulder with a look of sympathy, "he's not going to live there forever. Jesus, we need to get you a girlfriend. Stat."

"I didn't say I wanted him to live there forever. It's just...easier."

Megan didn't reply, she walked up to the register and put what she wanted on the counter, speaking to the owner in broken Spanish. For the rest of the day Jared made a conscious effort not to mention Jensen but all that effort had him thinking of Jensen even more. He had honestly looked into the second bathroom, thinking nothing of it, he assumed Jensen would always be there. Megan bringing up the fact that he would move out someday put a damper on what otherwise would've been an awesome day.

           Later that night he laid in bed thinking about him and Jensen living together. The scene plays out as it already has in real life except this time Jensen doesn't move out, he stays. Jared imagines cookouts, parties, and many movie nights. He isn’t aware that he’s smiling until his cheeks start to burn from the tension in his face muscles. He sighs and closes his eyes for a moment, squeezing the bridge of his nose to distract him from his thoughts. His eyes drift to the bed stand where he’s placed the drunk Donkey to keep him company until he goes to his owner. He wondered if Jensen would be up, snatches his cellphone and fires off a text.  _ Got you something crazy from Buenos Aires. Hope you aren’t burnt to a crisp. _

           He was dozing off when his phone chirped back.

_ Ha Ha so funny _ .  _ Not burnt. The locals givin ya any trouble? They aren’t use to giants in those parts. A present? Oh god. _

_ Call me?  _ Jared types in and decides not to send it. His phone buzzes while it’s still in his hand and he looks at the text from Jensen.

_ Can't sleep, damn Supernatural hours messing with my internal clock. Danneel is out cold. Thankfully, Dusk Till' Dawn is on TV and this place has a comfy couch.  _

_ Man, you really have a thing for Salma Hayek. Perv. Yeah my sister is passed out too.  _

Jared laughs dropping the phone and staring up at the ceiling. Then he looks at the TV in his room. He smirks,  _ I wonder...  _

_ Hey what channel are you watching? _

_ HBO, why? _

Jared finds the channel and sure enough, there are the Gecko brother's shooting up a convenience store. 

_ Guess what I'm watching. _

His phone rings and he doesn't even say hello when he picks it up. They dive right in to discussing the movie. That conversation dissolves into highlights of their trip so far with the movie playing in the background.

It was past two am when Jared finally says goodnight to Jensen and drops the phone on the pillow beside him. Sleep tugs at every bone in his body but he can’t ignore nagging thought that Megan had been right. He wished Jensen's head was on the pillow beside him. The most unsettling thought was wanting Jensen like that didn't phase him anymore. He was going to have to figure this out when he got home. Maybe Megan was right, he needed a girlfriend. 

**Under Pressure**

           In all the time they’d know each other Jared and Jensen had never fought. The most things ever came to was a sigh of frustration and an eye roll. Even then it just slid off.  _ Until today _ ...Jensen thought as he sat on the floor of his trailer, his head creating a steady beat as it bounced against the refrigerator door. Today he and Jared had their first fight. Not only that, they had  _ yelled  _ at each other in front of the entire crew. He finally stopped banging his head against the fridge and squeezed his eyes shut to try and sort things out.

           It all started the second they got back into the house after their separate vacations. Instead of the usual warm hello Jared was a bit stand offish. Jensen still had his little back rub episode on the brain so he was fine with the distance. But then Jared presented him with the most ridiculous tourist knick-knack ever and things went back to normal after a few beers.

Not long after Genevieve Cortese had shown up on set to be the new Ruby and Jared was falling all over himself to talk to her. Jensen should've been happy, he  _ was _ happy. After all, he’d been the one who suggested that the big dope stop clowning around and ask her out. He'd been able to keep himself occupied for the first few dates but last night all he did was stay up laying in bed, wondering if Jared was coming home. 

When Jensen heard the front door open he’d strolled out into the kitchen with the premise of getting some water and seeing how things went.They'd ended up watching Rush Hour in Jensen's bed. The smaller bed had them sitting much closer to each other than usual but neither of them seemed to mind.  

Jensen woke in the middle of the night to find they’d wrapped their arms around each other while they slept. Jensen’s head was tucked into Jared’s chest and he could feel the hot puffs of air coming from Jared’s mouth as he breathed against his forehead. He’d stayed there in the dark for way longer than he should’ve, not even sure if he wanted to move. Then he felt the warmth of Jared’s erection against his leg and his mind went into siege mode. He’d pushed away from Jared, trying desperately not to notice how hard he’d gotten in the few seconds he’d been awake. 

         Jared had yelled at him, almost falling off the bed from the force of Jensen’s shove. Jensen had stood up and looked out the window, saying that the bed was too small for them both and Jared needed to go upstairs so he could sleep. Jared had gotten angry saying there were other ways Jensen could’ve woken him up, throwing a pillow at him and stomping out of Jensen’s room.  Jensen had an awful night’s sleep, dreaming of  _ not _ pushing Jared out of his bed. Jared’s mouth on kissing it’s way down his forehead to his lips. He’d woken up every ten minutes it seemed trying to eject himself from the dream before he responded to Jared’s advances. He ended up sleeping through his alarm and making them run late. Jared gave him shit about it on the drive to set and Jensen had used every ounce of energy not to argue back. That was the start of a very long day.

To make it worse last night had kicked up a shitstorm in Jensen’s head he couldn’t shake. Anytime Jared touched him, or tried to touch him, Jensen remembered his dreams and pulled away. Everything piled up and five hours into a difficult shoot Jensen had pulled away from Jared again during a scene. Jared called him on it. Jensen fired back. Then they shouted at each other for a few minutes before storming off set in opposite directions.

           Jensen couldn’t think of the last time he felt so guilty and hurt. None of this was Jared’s fault. He’d screamed at his best friend as a result of his stupid “gay panic.” He had to lose the funk Danneel put in his head and fast. They couldn’t work together like this and they sure as hell couldn’t live together.

           Jensen got up and left his trailer, still dressed as Dean. The cold air bit at the thin t-shirt he wore as he sprinted the short distance between their two trailers. His fist pounded on the door with the name J. Padalecki across it. He waited and…nothing.

           “Let me in man. I’m freezing.”

           “Jensen?”

           Jared opened the door, still in costume as Sam. Jensen looked up at him and his heart sank. Jared’s eyes were red rimmed and he could see the streaks his tears had tracked through his makeup. Jensen felt like the biggest asshole on the planet. Jared meant more to him than anyone in the world and he’d made him cry.

They looked at each other for a moment, unsure of how to proceed. Then Jensen decided to take a page out of Dean’s book, climbing the stairs in one stride and pulling Jared into a hug. The other man was too startled to respond at first. His arms hung at his side. 

“Jensen?”

           “I’m sorry man.”

           Then the big arms he knew so well wrapped around his back and squeezed him tight. Jared’s face nuzzled into his neck and Jensen felt more hot tears hit his skin. “I’m sorry too.”

           “Can I close the door?” Jensen felt a shiver ripple through Jared’s body. He let out a nervous laugh and let go. Jared stepped back so Jensen could enter the trailer and then he shut the door behind them, rubbing his arms to try and get warmth back into his extremities. 

           “Dude, where’s your coat?”

           “I forgot it.” Jensen shrugged, leaning against the table.

           “So what happened today?” Jared sat at the kitchenette wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

           Jensen paused, the truth on his tongue. But then a lie passed through his mouth. “I was tired and someone insisted I stay up to watch a movie with him.”

           “You could’ve said no.”

           “You know I’m defenseless against your ‘please’ face. Everyone is.”

           “I’ve been perfecting it for years. But, seriously, man I’m sorry as hell. You didn’t deserve that…well, what I said back there. It wasn’t me talking. Just a lot of crap going through my head right now.” Jared tugged at the sleeve of the plaid shirt he was wearing and took one more wipe across his eyes. 

           “Yeah. Same here. If you need to talk about it, I’m here.”

“Yeah, you too.”

           They looked at each other across the small space between them filled with weight of things left unsaid. It was obvious that there was an important conversation that had to take place but now wasn’t the time.

           “So, are you ready to go back out there?”

           Jared bit his lip. “I feel like parents who just fought in front of their kid for the first time.”

           The scene replayed in Jensen’s head. _ God, it was really bad. Who knows what the crew are  thinking. _ Even Kim had looked shaken. Well, they had to go out there and put on a good face. Technically, they’d made up but Jensen knew the real issue between them was unresolved. He didn’t know what kind of resolution he wanted either. None of it made sense. He had to put the job first and sort this pile of crap out on his own time. The first thing he had to do was contact that realtor that Danneel had given him the number to months ago. This couldn't go on anymore, he cared too much about their friendship to let whatever was going on with him screw that up. 

           “Jensen?” He looked up to see Jared eying him with concern.

           He forced out a half-hearted laugh. “Yeah, we should probably tell them mommy and daddy aren’t getting divorced.”

           “Well I own the house so I’m already getting the better part of the deal.”

           They were both smiles as they left but each man noted how careful the other was to keep their distance as they exited the trailer.

**Distance**

Jared tried to focus on the game on TV but he kept glancing at Jensen. This was crazy, even watching the game, they were on opposite ends of the couch. They were making friendly conversation, anyone watching them wouldn’t have thought anything was wrong. But weeks of being avoided and trying to avoid Jensen had given him way too much evidence for him to believe everything was fine. They were both good actors but the unspoken problem remained there between the strained smiles they gave each other while taking sips of beer. Genevieve and Danneel’s laughter echoed into the living room from the kitchen. The two girls were possibly the only thing that brought any happiness to the house over the long weekend. As soon as they were introduced they formed an instantaneous bond that had them often leaving the two boys in the dust while they chatted on. 

           “Well they seem to have hit it off well.” Jared said.

Jensen laughed, “yep.”  

           He wanted to talk about what happened. But at the same time he was still trying to figure out what the hell had happened. It almost seemed like Jensen had been avoiding him even more since he started dating Gen. Which made no sense because Jensen had been the one to hint he should date Gen. They’d been dating for a while now but they had that kind of playful relaxed way of interacting that made Jared feel like he’d known her for years.

No matter how good things were with Gen, Jared couldn’t feel happy when Jensen and he seemed to be on the rocks. He'd tried to talk to Jensen about it a handful of times but he always stopped before he could get the first words out. How could he even start?  _ Hey dude, I know I'm dating Gen and everything but I kind of feel like I like more than a friend.  _ Yes that would go really well, he could imagine Jensen running out of the house so fast a comical pile of smoke followed him down the street. He knew he had to have some serious time to think about what he actually felt for Jensen and what it meant for him, and them. The sound of heels clicking across the kitchen tile followed by the dogs excited yips pulled Jared out of his thoughts.

           “It looks so amazing.” Jared heard Gen say as she entered the living room. The girls rounded the couch, walking side by side. Danneel put her hand on Jensen’s arm to get his attention. “I was just showing her the place we rented in Belize.”

           “Yeah it was nice to have a little break in paradise.” Jensen put his hand on top of hers. Danneel pressed into the tiny space next to Jensen, pushing him more towards Jared. 

“I can imagine.” Gen said, smiling at Jared. He scooted over so she could sit and didn’t even realize he had ended up next to Jensen on the couch.  Jared grumbled and moved over first; secretly happy the girls ended up pushing them together. They looked at each other, a thousand words said in the time it took for the girls to settle in beside them.

“So how’s living together been going? You guys sick of each other yet?” Gen laughed poking Jared in the arm. He laughed, grabbing her hand and kissing it. Mostly because he didn’t know what else to say. Was it that obvious? There was a silence in the air that the cheery sound of the commercial on TV couldn’t break. This was the perfect segway for him to get into that conversation with Jensen but absolutely the wrong time. He felt Jensen’s hand grip his knee and he turned to find Jensen looking at him with a hint of sadness in his eyes.

           “We’ve had our marital spat but it’s water under the bridge now.” Jensen paused before adding, “Jared’s my brother, nothings’ gonna change that.”

           “Aw, you deserve a cheese doodle for that.” Danneel put one of the orange snacks in front of Jensen’s lips. He bit it away and licked at her finger she pulled her hand back. “Yuck!”

Jensen kissed her. “I do miss you though.”

“Me too.” Danneel grinned, pressing her face into Jensen’s shoulder. 

“Ughhhhhh!” Jared and Gen said in mock disgust at the display of affection.

The four of them erupted into laughter and then settled in to watch the rest of the game, Jared’s overzealous cheering having a lot to do with the weight he felt lifted off his shoulders.   Things weren’t back to normal but Jared hoped this was a signal that they were the road to recovery. Jared settled back on the couch, feeling pleasantly comforted at Jensen’s familiar heat next to him. So comfortable in fact, he doesn’t move when he feels Jensen’s hand rest on top of his. 

The girls both left that evening, Jensen dropping Danneel off at the airport and Jared talking Gen back to her place. Jared didn’t realize he was waiting up for Jensen until he heard the front door close and his heart started to race. He turned up his TV a little louder than necessary so Jensen would know he was still awake. Sure enough after a little while he heard feet taking the stairs two at a time and Jensen rounded the corner dressed in sweatpants. 

“So are you losing your hearing in your old age?” Jensen smiled as he crossed the room hopping on the bed next to Jared. 

“Uh, I didn’t even realize it was that loud.” Jared turned the volume down, not even sure what was on TV because Jensen was sliding under the covers next to him like the past few weeks had never happened.

“If you wanted to chill out, you could’ve just asked.” That was Jensen’s apology, on top of what he said earlier. 

“Sorry things have been…” Jared took a breath before getting into a conversation he knew might not end well.

“Like I said. It’s done. I’m sorry too though. I’ve been kind of on edge.”

They looked at each other, the light from the TV illuminating their features. Somehow, Jensen being here beside him with a smile slowly spreading across his face erased all of the anxiety that had built up inside of Jared. “We okay?” As good as things felt, he still had to ask. 

“Yeah buddy, we’re okay.” 

“So…” Jared found himself scooting closer to Jensen, with the excuse of handing him the remote. “What do you want to watch?”

“I don’t know why you ask. I always end up conking out twenty minutes in anyways.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah. We can skip tonight if you want, I could totally crash.”

“Throw something on. You’ve got me conditioned to sleep with the TV on now. Ass.”

Jared yawned. “Okay.”

He wasn’t sure what he chose for them to watch because he and Jensen both fell asleep before they could make it through the beginning credits, their hands just close enough to touch. 

**Everything Has Changed**

           “Thanks for driving us Cliff.” Jared’s voice caught on a few syllables as Cliff loaded him into the back of the large GMC pickup.

           “Yeah, Yeah.” Cliff mocked frustration as he guided Jared’s tall form through the door.

           Jensen had already stumbled into the backseat and Jared gave him his best goofy grin as he entered. The toe Jared’s boot caught on the seat and he fell forward, his head nearly landing in Jensen’s lap. 

           “I love you guys but you’re too big for me to be carrying your drunk asses around. I’m gonna throw my back out.” Cliff said as he finished folding Jared’s legs onto the seat and shut the door.

           “We love you Cliff. We love you.” Jared said out loud. Cliff didn’t hear him; he was rounding the front of the large vehicle. Jared took a deep breath and tried to block the inevitable out of his mind, Jensen was moving out tomorrow. He’d announced it a few days ago and Jared had been so surprised he didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t even known Jensen was looking for a place. At first he’d wanted to yell at Jensen for not telling him but then every ounce of his energy focused in on the fact Jensen would be gone and he couldn’t muster up the strength to sthout. He’d suggested they go out to celebrate their last night as roommates. Somewhere between placing their order and calling Cliff to pick them up they’d amassed a respectable number of empty glasses between them. Enough for Jared to ignore the tug in his gut at the thought that Jensen wouldn’t be one floor away after tomorrow.

           “I’m glad Cliff came out tonight.” Jared let his head rest against the solid weight of Jensen’s thigh. He felt Jensen’s hand in his hair and bit back a contented sigh as he closed his eyes.

“Yeah.” Jensen responded, running his fingers through Jared’s hair. His hand stilled when Cliff entered the vehicle. Jared sat up, the rapid movement knocking Jensen’s hand to the side.

           He saw Cliff looking at them in the rear view mirror. “Home?”The car pulled out into the main road before either of them could answer.

           Jared looked at Jensen as a street light cast an orange glow over his skin, making his freckles stand out. “I’m glad you came out tonight.” The words seemed harder to get out than they should’ve been.

           Jensen turned to him and smiled. “You’re paying, why wouldn’t I?”

           “Shaddup. It was the least I could do.”

           “The least you could do? You let me stay in your house. I should be the one…”

           Jared cut Jensen off, “Well you were there for me when…ya know…” The ache he felt in his chest had nothing to do with the woman who seemed like a distant memory. 

Jensen nodded, then added, “Me moving isn’t going to change that. I’ll always be here.”

# 

          Jensen’s subconscious tried pitifully to soothe the ache he was unaware of feeling until Jared turned those eyes on him.  _ You work together, you will still see him every day. But you won’t be able to fall asleep with the TV on… _

He tried to shake himself mentally into a better place – a place where things made sense again. Those feelings that started that night he’d taken Jared out to dinner had compounded until they’d consumed his every waking thought. Things had been so simple before they moved in together. They were best friends and he had Danneel. He had thought he had everything he needed. This time together had made him long for something that had never occurred to him before. The strange part was that he didn’t feel like something had grown between them. It was more like someone had turned a magnifying glass on something that was already there. There was something inside of him that chided him for never noticing and an opposing voice berating him for ever looking through the glass. 

           “I’m tired.” A thick Texan accent breathed out beside him.

           Jensen nodded in silent agreement, he felt like his mind had run a marathon over the past few months. Rewinding and replaying moments between them, trying to figure this all out so he could save them. He still didn’t know if this was in his head or if they were actually moving in a direction. Either way, they couldn’t do this. 

           “Join the club.” Jensen let his mind quiet as the alcohol flowed through his veins, releasing the tension. His hand slipped off his lap and fell on top of Jared’s just like it had so many times after that day they watched football. Jared’s fingers wove through Jensen’s and rested there. Jensen closed his eyes and tried not to think about the battle inside of him over whether or not he should let go.

           Cliff had the radio on just loud enough to diffuse any outside noise. Jensen focused on the feeling of Jared’s hand in his and tried to drown out everything else. A familiar melody drifted through the speakers.

         Jared hummed a few bars. “Love this song.”

         Jared’s head landed on Jensen’s shoulder with a thud. Jensen’s senses snapped back to attention; his eyes opening and head turning to look at Jared. The lyrics to the song caught Jensen’s hear. “You need to understand, there’s nothing strange about this, you need to let me in.”

           It was the same song that Jared was singing the first time he felt…well… _ this _ . He looked at their hands, fingers loosely clasped around each other. Then he looked at the driver’s seat to make sure Cliff was focused on the road. God knows what he would think if he looked back here and saw them. Jensen shook his head, he knew exactly what Cliff would think, which is why he decided to move out, hoping it would put a stop to whatever was going on with him. No losing Jared, no losing Danneel. He couldn’t risk either. Even still, he couldn’t seem to pull his hand away.   

#

           By the time the car pulled into the driveway the two men had closed the gap between them, hands intertwined and heads resting against one another like a couple of teenagers being chauffeured home after their first date. 

Jensen was rubbing his thumb across Jared’s fingers when the car came to an abrupt stop. The two men broke apart before Cliff looked at them in the rearview. “Grand central station. Everybody off.”

           “Thanks again buddy.” Jared chuckles as exits the car. Jensen gets out and takes a few steps as Jared rounds the back of the car looking at him. He stops a few feet away and looks up at Cliff who is waving at them from the drivers side window. 

           “See you guys later.”

          They wave and watch Cliff pull away, leaving them staring at each other through the darkness. There wasn’t any way they could write off what just happened. In the car, tucked into each other’s arms it was so easy to lose each other amidst the tangle of fingers and the soft cradle of another person’s shoulder. Jensen knew that neither of them were as tired as they’d pretended to be in the back of the car. Which meant it had all been very much on purpose. In his mind, what had happened in the car had pushed them past the point of being able to pretend this emotional charge hovering between them for months wasn’t there. Jared looked at Jensen through the mussed fringe of his hair rubbing absently at a bug bite on his arm they both knew wasn’t there. Jensen had his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans, head drooped slightly but eyes locked on Jared.

__ Jared’s eyebrows creased and he bit his lip. His eyes flicked down for a second before he looked at Jensen. “Jensen.” Jared’s voice cracked as he closed the space between them in a single stride.

           Jensen held his hand up to stop whatever crazy thing Jared was planning on doing out in the open. “Inside.”

           Both men walked up the steps to the house careful not to touch each other. Jensen stood at the edge of the small front porch as he watched Jared fish the keys out of his pocket and attempt to unlock the door. The keys hit the knob at an awkward angle and fell to the ground. Jared let out a hollow laugh and Jensen tried to mimic it but he couldn’t, he’d noticed how much Jared’s hands were shaking before he dropped the keys. Jared finally slid them into the lock at what seemed like a torturously slow pace. 

Standing in the porchlight, Jensen remembered why he said he wanted to move out in the first place. As soon as the door opened he wanted to tackle his friend to the floor and see if he could taste the last sip of beer on his lips. Then he had no idea what would happen, for all he knew, Jared would push him away and freak out...or...he could pull him in. Jensen didn’t know which would be worse. He clenched his fist and looked away from Jared, he couldn’t let this happen. He wouldn’t risk losing Jared because he was confused.

           Jared opened the door and Jensen rushed in first. He walked through the kitchen and to the hallway that lead to his room without looking back. Making a mental list of all the reasons why what he wanted to do to Jared was a very bad idea.

#

           Jared shut the door and turned just in time to see Jensen moving into the hallway on the far side of the kitchen. He wasn’t going to let him get away. They needed to talk about this. He sprinted to the hallway to find Jensen standing with his arms by his sides, his hands balled into fists.

           “Jen.” He said it in a calm voice but Jensen flinched like he’d been hit.

           Jensen slowly turned to him with a sigh.

           Jared held his arms wide out of frustration, hoping the gesture could communicate the enormity of the situation. “What’s going on man?”

           “What do you mean?”  _ Shitty acting. _ Jared could see right through it.

           Jared took a step forward, Jensen retreated. Jared gestured to the space Jensen’s retreat created. “This shit. The stuff in the car. Just, _ everything _ .”

           If any residual buzz was left from the beers it dissipated in that instant, the situation before them cold and sobering. Jensen ran a hand through his hair. “Look, we were tired…” he cut himself off, looking Jared in the eye. “I don’t know man…I just…”

           “Cause friends don’t do, well…  _ that _ .”

           “Don’t feel like friends lately.”Jensen had worry in his eyes but a smirk on his face that pulled Jared in like a magnet. One step and he brought himself toe to toe with Jensen. “I know what you mean.”

           Jensen looked up at him with a plea in his face but Jared couldn’t decide if it was a  _ yes _ or a  _ no _ to what he really wanted to do. He decided to leave it up to Jensen.  “We’ve gotta do something about this. There is too much at stake here to go in half assed.”

           That seemed to break Jensen out of his trance, he shook his head and took a step back, crossing his arms. “There  _ is _ too much at stake here.”

           “Ok.” Jared felt a mixture of relief and sadness wash through his body. “So, what do we do?”

           Jensen shrugged. “We leave it.”           

           “How?”

           “We leave it right here.” Jensen put his hand on the hallway wall. “We leave all the shit between us right here and we go on like it never happened.”

           Jared didn’t respond, he honestly wasn’t sure he could do that. The sinking feeling in his stomach had crawled up into his throat and was making his eyes burn. Jensen started forward towards Jared and then slammed the side of his fist into the wall. “Dammit, I’m not going to let myself lose you. Not over this.”

           “Is that what this is about? You think that if we… _ act _ on this you’re going to lose me?” Jared walked forward and put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder.

           “I feel like we’re damned if we do, damned if we don’t. I mean, how do we go back without there always being crap between us? I mean we basically admitted…well I think…that we…” Jensen’s voice faded.

           “Listen what you said that day with the girls about nothing coming between us. I feel the same way. I’m not going anywhere, no matter what happens. I…” Jared faltered.  _ I love you. _ He’d said it to Jensen a dozen times before but this time would be different. Saying it now would just make the inevitable band aid they were slowly removing hurt even more. So he let it sit in the pit of his stomach.

           “You and Gen. It’s going good isn’t it?” The mention of Gen’s name makes him feel like a jerk until he remembers he’s asking Jensen to give up far more than just a girl he’s dated for a few months.

           “Yeah. You?” Jared’s mouth feels dry and it’s hard to get the words out.

           “You know it.”

           That was it then. Jared patted Jensen’s shoulder, too afraid hugging him might squeeze out the tears hiding behind his eyes. “I’m gonna hit the hay. Gotta get up early tomorrow and lug your shit around.”

           Jensen’s eyes echoed Jared’s broken smile. “Yeah.”

           Jared turned and started towards the kitchen, anxious to get upstairs and bury himself under enough blankets to block out everything that just happened.

#

           Jensen watched Jared go, every step taking him further from the place in Jared’s house he’d never be able to walk through again. The place where they’d confessed everything and at the same time decided to let it settle into the hardwood and plaster to rot away with the rest of the house.

_ Go. _ His mind barely had time to eek out the syllables before he rushed forward reaching out and grabbing Jared’s arm. By the time his hand was securely wrapped around Jared’s bicep the other man already had one foot out of the hallway.

           “Jared.” The word was so hard to get out it felt like they’d been having a shouting match instead of a hushed conversation. Jensen’s eyes focused on the three inches of floor where Jared’s foot rested outside the hallway. He agreed they couldn’t let it go further than the small section of hardwood between his door and the stairs but he wasn’t ready to let it go just yet.

           He tugged Jared back into the safety of the hallway, pulling him into a hug. Jensen panicked for just a second, thinking he’d made the wrong decision. Then he felt the weight of Jared’s arms squeezing him tight.

           “I don’t know what to do.” His voice caught and he felt tears at the corner of his eyes. 

           “I know.” Jared’s breath tickled the skin on the side of his neck.

           “I don’t want to lose you.” Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and he felt moisture trail down his cheeks. 

“You won’t.”

           It took a second to realize the soft touch on his neck was Jared’s lips. His body reacted the same way as if it was Danneel, heart zooming from zero to sixty and in his pants suddenly seemed more constricting than they had a moment before. A small voice in his head said this realization should make him feel more messed up than it did. But as Jared’s kisses moved to his jawline he didn’t care. That heat he felt watching Jared in the kitchen flared up in his chest and it wrapped around him. Jensen reveled in the feeling for a second and realized this fire inside of him for Jared had always been there, even from their first day of shooting. But it had always been just a dim light and their time together had fed it up until Jared put his lips on his neck. He knew they still needed to leave this, that there was far too much at stake, but he couldn't resist being consumed by it.  

           Jensen turned his face and caught Jared’s mouth with his. The kiss was close lipped at first, the gentle suction threatening to pull his bottom lip in. As sigh of contentment left his lips as Jared pulled him closer. 

From the moment they’d met, the two men had been able to read each other well enough to sync up their moves whether on set, in the house, and now, with this. Their mouths opened and heads tilted, linking them together. Jensen tasted the heavy kick from the beers on Jared’s tongue and something inside him shattered. He moaned, bunching Jared’s t-shirt in his fists. Their lips separated for a moment as Jensen shoved Jared back against the wall. The hot puffs of their breaths mingled together as they looked into each other's eyes. The reality of the situation hit Jensen at once and he felt his initial confidence falter. Jared must've felt it too, his eyes looking off to the side as he pushed a shaking hand through his hair.  

"Uh." Jensen's eyes turned to the floor as he realized that he couldn't quite speak without clearing his throat. Jared was looking at him while biting his lip. Jensen started to raise his hand to touch Jared but stopped himself. "Think we....?"

It was Jared who reached out to touch his cheek, gently pulling him closer while whispering, "no.....no."

The second kiss was far more intense, teeth nipping at already swollen lips. Jensen wanted it to hurt, wanted his raw lips in the morning to be a reminder when he woke.

          Jared’s hands skimmed under his shirt to feel his chest, snaked around his waist to press against the muscles in his back, and cautiously traveled to the waistband of his pants. Jensen heart raced as Jared's hands slid around his waist and spread out against the small of his back. Jared was trying to be sneaky about this but Jensen felt he was taking too damn long. He reached behind him, grabbed Jared's hands and planted them firmly on his ass.

           “Ungh, Jensen. Fuck.” Jared pulled Jensen's hips flush against his, his hands squeezing hard enough Jesen wondered if he’d have a bruise or two in the morning.  

Jensen gasped at how aroused they both were, how much they both wanted this. He moved his his hips and moaned. "Jesus Christ." They couldn't get any closer unless they were skin to skin. The thought brought a new surge of pleasure through Jensen's body. Jared was mumbling words of encouragement against Jensen's lips he couldn't quite make out over the pounding of his heartbeat in his ears.

            Jared’s hands made their way to his hips again, fingertips tracing the subtle line of muscle that connected leg to torso. Jensen didn't have to be psychic to know where Jared wanted to go from here. It overwhelmed him and his head fell back, their lips breaking apart. Jared's lips moved back to the spot on his neck where he'd started as his hands flicked open the button of Jensen's pants. The action was the only thing that made it through the haze Jensen was currently in. He took a sharp breath and pushed away from Jared. Their eyes locked and the only sound that filled the hallway was their breathing. As much as they had just done, Jensen knew they could still walk away. He would be walking away to have the most sexually frustrated masturbation session of his life, but they’d still be able to come back from this. Jensen knew if Jared touched him he was going to drag him into the bedroom and do things to him he never thought he’d want to do to another man.

           They were a vision in contradictions. Each man’s eyes heavy- lidded with desire, flushed cheeks, and kiss-bruised lips parted letting out ragged breaths. Their entire being seemed to radiate with desire, screaming  _ yes, more of that. More of this beautiful delicious thing I never knew I wanted. _ But their actions took them away from one another; Jensen taking step back from the wall and Jared sliding to the side, finding himself out of the hallway again.

#

           Jared felt the lack of Jensen's presence press around his heart hard enough to cause physical pain. Jensen stared at him, “Sorry.”

           “No. God no. Jensen, don’t apologize. It was…aw Christ.” Jared ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t want to stop.”  _ I need you.  _ He didn't try to stop to the tears. He was glad they were there, so Jensen could see how much this meant to him because he still didn't know how to put it into words.

           “I know.” Jensen wiped at his eyes with the back of his hands. Jared hadn't seen Jensen cry many times and he wanted to reach out and embrace him again, just to stop his tears. But he knew where that would lead and it was apparent that Jensen didn't want to go there. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to go there. All he knew was that moment in the hallway had been the most passionate make-out session of his entire life. 

           All noises faded into the hushed tones of nighttime in the house as they looked at each other: Jensen in the hallway, Jared in the open by the stairs. Jensen took one step back and Jared felt panic wash over him. His subconscious battled against itself, one side showing him memories of Jensen and Danneel happy together. The other sides screaming  _ tell him the truth, tell him you want this. Screw everyone else and what they’ll think. Tell him!  _ They could lose so much. Yet…

           “Danneel’s going to be here early in the morning to help with the move.”

           Jared nodded, more tears coming. He had his answer. “Gen said she was going to try and stop by as well. Just to help out.”

           “Listen, if there wasn’t so much I would...we could...” Jensen let the sentence fade out and put his hand on the wall. But the gesture wasn’t romantic, it was a reminder,  _ this stays here _ . Jared nodded. 

“I’m still here.”

“I’ll always be here.”

Jared couldn’t help but think that their declaration of friendship also indicated something else. That a piece of both of them would stay in this hallway forever. Jensen said goodnight but it felt more like goodbye.  He waited until he heard the click of Jensen’s door before he made his way up to his bedroom. 

Jared slept on the floor that night, in an effort to be a little closer to the man below.

#

           The next day passed in a blur for both men. Gen and Danneel chiding the boys about how tired they both looked because they celebrated too much. Jared worried they’d be on “no touching” terms again but it was the exact opposite, Jensen seemed to be making more excuse to touch him. They hugged before they parted that night, Jensen whispering “nothing’s changed” against his neck.

           As far as Jared was concerned, everything had changed. 

#

Neither man ever talked about what happened in the hallway again. The touches between them became the only communication to acknowledge whatever was in the hallway that night still existed.

           The following years brought them countless blessings in the form of wonderful families and taking Supernatural to 200 episodes and beyond. They were fine with the choice they’d made in Jared's home years ago. But there were times when Jared’s heart ached as he looked at Jensen and times where Jensen found himself staring into those eyes wondering “what if.” But neither man ever said anything out loud, they just let their silent communication of eyes, arms, and hands confirm that what they said that night was true. Although they could never be together, they would never leave each other.

           When they were assured time not interrupted by work, wives, or children they would sit next to each other. Jared would lace his fingers through Jensen’s the way he did that night and lay his head on Jensen’s shoulder.  _ If this is all we can have, I’m going to make the most of it.  _ Their hands would squeeze together, almost painfully, in an effort to stop the aching in their hearts.


End file.
